A Series of Random Events
by claramadesouffles
Summary: One day, Ayana, Maria and I were in the forum, "The Two Sides of Twilight." Things started getting... random, so we decided to write a fic about it! Just for laughs! Co-written with People-Are-Crazy and MissTomorrow. May not be updated for a while...
1. The Graveyard

**This was co-written by People-Are-Crazy and Fanpire298.**

**DISCLAIMER**

**Maria: Combined, the three of us own…**

**Jen: Nothing!**

**Ayana: Nothing!**

**Maria: And nothing.**

**A Series of Random Events**

**Chapter One-The Graveyard**

**Maria's POV**

Jen and Story discussed Aro, the creepy-uncle and how Tess will kill them. We were on The Two Sides of Twilight, don'tcallmeLeeLee's forum. They typed out their top ten favorite characters and I decided to join in. We all talked and laughed, and Story had to leave for a moment. Or a few more. I didn't understand why people had to shower.

Jen and I playfully fought over Renesmee, but agreed to disagree shortly after. We chatted about Twelfth Night, the play I was doing in school. Jen brought up her science project, which she presented well. I left the chat section for a minute to visit the graveyard. That's where we remove points from our least favorite character and add to the ones we like best. I removed a point from Jacob and added to Esme. Jacob annoys me. He's…icky.

Soon thereafter, someone else posted. She said, "We warned you not to touch Jacob. Now you will pay."

I quickly went back to chat and alerted Jen of my fate in a creative way. "Jen!" I called. "Jen, help me! They're making me pay!"

"No!" Jen shouted. "Maria don't leave me!"

"Graveyard…kill…Jacob…Taco…pay…" And everything went black.

**Timmy's POV**

Luckily, I was there to fill in for Maria. I am Timmy, her imaginary cat. I was turned into a vampire by Esme.

"Why exactly did Maria just pass out?" Ayana asked.

"Maria passed out because Unnatural-Ketchup-Taco, who is making her pay, is making her pay," I answered.

Jen dashed away from some flying bricks. "Well, some person is going after her for harming Jacob! But more importantly, Tess is coming after me for being on Team Kill Esme!" She also decided to explain. "Ahhhh!" she screeched, for she was getting hit with even more bricks.

"Potato…kills…Esmee…Renesmee???...no…Esme…" And she passed out as well.

"Oh... poor Maria," Ayana crooned. "What did she ever do to the taco to want revenge like this?" Ayana was a good girl, worrying about others. She'll go far.

I prodded Jen with a stick to see if she'd wake up. I poked and poked and poked. It took a little bit, but she came around. "Maria took a point off Jacob." I answered Ayana and continued poking Jen.

Suddenly, Jen woke up. "Ahhhh! Stick phobia!" she yelled. She started to crawl away very slowly.

"And poor Jen," Ayana started. "I'm on TKE too. I should probably hide now. Oh no the bricks are coming!" She hid behind a dog, which ran away. Stupid animal. I'm telling you, dogs cannot be trusted! Ayana turned to a metal box. "There's a gun safe behind me! But the combination is really long." She spun the lock ten times, nine times, and eight times.

"I'm surprised that you do not wish to know who I am," I said. The girls were so preoccupied with this safe that they didn't care that I was a talking cat.

Jen sat next to Ayana and yelled, "Hide me!" She then looked at me. "Fine. I'll ask. Who. Are. You?" She didn't sound like she cared very much, but I decided to answer anyway.

"I am Maria's imaginary cat," I responded. I flaunted my gray coat. "I am a vampire, turned by the wonderful Esme." I put emphasis on Esme's name because these two were trying to kill her! "Want me to open that safe?"

"Please," Jen plead, "oh pretty please! I have to hide from the bricks!" Jen threw a brick at me, probably to prove a point. I easily dodged it.

"Fine," I replied. I opened the safe and retrieved the guns inside. "Oh Maria's up! Bye!" I needed to leave. This group made me scared.

**Maria's POV**

Oh my God. My head hurt really badly. What happened?

"We can hide in the safe! It's where we found my sister's Easter basket last year!" Ayana exclaimed. That safe wasn't very big… "Well I kind of put it there but... OW! Stupid bricks!" Ayana got a nice clunk on the head. That'll leave a mark.

"Will someone please tell me how we will fit in a safe?" I asked. The safe was tall, but very thin.

Jen shoved Ayana out of the way. Ayana stumbled and I caught her. "My safe!" Jen shouted and slammed the door. How was she going to get out? A muffled voice came from the safe. "Cfwrap! Lweft me outtaf ear!" That was…odd?

"I say we take the guns and ambush," I volunteered. They threatened to kill us, so we should threaten back! "Have you both played the graveyard today?" I added.

Jen banged on the safe door. "Hfelp mfe!" she called.

"I'm thinking one person only though some one else can hide in the closet and someone else can hide... under the desk." Good place for emphasis, Ayana.

"Yfep!" I couldn't understand a single word Jen said. Poor girl.

"I'll have to get my dad. He is the only person who can open it. I can't. I just like the twisty things." Ayana walked out of the room.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" She hollered.

"What Ayana? Its 11:30!" He yelled back.

"Jen needs help."

"Who is Jen?"

"My cyberfriend who is inside the safe"

"How'd she get in?"

"The world works in mysterious ways."

"Eh, I'm tired." Ayana walked back into the room

"I tried," she shrugged.

Jen opened the door from inside! She can get out! "Will someone please get me out of here????" And Jen closed the door. Good Lord.

"You're smart," Ayana snorted.

"Okay!" I exclaimed. "I'll use my lightsaber!" I had absolutely no idea where I got the thing, but I found it in my back pocket. I sliced the safe in half, revealing a completely unharmed Jen.

"I guess my dad isn't hunting tomorrow after all," Ayana muttered.

"Thanks Maria!" Jen cried, hugging me. She thanked Ayana for trying and hugged her as well. She then dashed over to a tree and hugged it. Ayana and I gave her questioning looks.

"What?" she asked. "It was helpful."

I shook my head and changed the subject. "Now I need to figure out where I found this…" I trailed off, holding my lightsaber.

Jen held up a gray imaginary cat with a collar that said 'Timmy.' He was obviously mine. "And I wonder where I found this," she said dreamily.

"Give me that!" I interrupted, grabbing Timmy.

"I think you knocked over the candle on the safe," Ayana mentioned, "and my house is on fire now. Oh well!" She couldn't have cared less!

"I'll pay for that," I offered.

"Oh no, look behind you, Maria! It's the dude from Star Wars! He wants the glowey thing back! Jen shouted as I turned. I very civilly handed Darth the weapon and he disappeared. Then, Jen got hit by another brick!

"Is Tess back to haunt us all?!?!" Ayana yelled. I wasn't expecting the brick, to be honest.

"Where are all these bricks coming from?" I asked and yelled.

"T-T-T-Tess....We're killing Esme...And she's out to get us...Ahhhh! No Tess, don't!" Jen was taken down by a brick army. They clanked and laughed at her pain. I felt bad for her. It's pitiful.

"Mike Newton," Ayana responded absent-mindedly, "is teaming up with Tess."

I sighed, "Then don't kill Esme. Kill Jacob!"

**And everyone who is a Twilight fan and wants to be on this awesome, brick-throwing, forum is definitely welcome. But, if you kill Esme I would stay away from Tess. Enough said.**


	2. She's Back!

**Still co-written by Fanpire298 and People-Are-Crazy**

**What do you guys own?**

**Jen: I own this… pen!**

**Maria: I own this imaginary kitty named Timmy!**

**Ayana: I own my… sister, but I'm willing to give her away for the low, low cost of $25**

**All of us: But we don't own twilight**

**A Series of Random Events**

**Chapter Two-She's Back!**

**Third-Person POV**

Tess, the Esme lover, logged on fanfiction. She found herself in the chat section of The Two Sides of Twilight. Tess scrolled down and read all of the previous events. She realized that Ayana, Maria, and Jen were completely insane. She decided to be evilly nice.

"Hey! Guess what! My Haiku Poem made it into the top TWENTY in all of QUEENSLAND!!!!!! YAY!!! Unfortunately, I didn't win, but YAY!!!" she announced.

Jen moved about twenty feet away from the psycho killer. "Congratulations!" she cheered. Jen smiled stiffly.

Somewhere in Queensland, Australia, a girl smirked. It was Tess. "Why thank you Jen! Bet you wish YOU made it to the top twenty," she mocked.

Jen, who still stood far away, said, "I do. I really do."

"Of course you do, Jen, of course you do," Tess smiled.

Jen cleared her throat. "So you didn't... by any chance... notice who I took points from today...?" she asked. 'Don't hurt me!' she thought. However, she quickly changed the subject. "IT'S SNOWING! The kind of snow Bella would describe as 'Ew.' SNOW!" she hollered. Jen danced/ran from Tess.

Hannah threw Starlit a saw and grabbed a screwdriver. "Oh that topic screams spam even louder!" Everyone wondered what topic that was. It was probably the graveyard.

"I know!" Starlit replied. She caught the saw and attempted to keep Tess away from Hannah and Jen. I'm trying to fight my inner Jane! If I start becoming kind of violent it's because she's taken over! Twin!!!! Jen! Run while you still can! SAVE YOURSELVES!"

Jean started to run. "Come on Hannah! Run! Snow! Big fluffy tufts of happiness!" Jen certainly was random, to say the least.

Hannah laughed, "Snow and murder. What a great combination. I can't…go on…anymore," she breathed.

"Keep running Hannah!" Jen called. "Keep running!"

"Twin I have Embry!" Hannah threatened. "Don't even think about letting your inner Jane out!"

Starlit's face contorted. "I'm-trying-Running-keep-Tess-mad."

Suddenly, Tess appeared. "Give in Starlit! You know you want to. You want it bad. You wanna feel it take over your soul. YOU WANT TO KILL!!!!!!" She laughed manically, chasing after Hannah and Jen, not caring about Starlit seeing as she's going to give in, wielding one of her unimaginable torture weapons. "Come HERE little kittens!! I WONT HURT YOU! Here little kitty, kitties. Come here my prettiessssssss, I wanna SEE your crimson blood stain the white, pure snow. I want you to FEEL your life slipping away! I WANT YOU TO FEEL PAIN! And I want to SEE the LIFE FADE from your EYES!!!!!!!!!"

Starlit heard Tess threatening her twin. "I-WILL-NOT-GIVE-IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! TWIN I'LL SAVE YOU!" That's persistence! She grabbed a hammer and another saw.

Jen was, of course, scared and upset. "STARLIT??? WHAT ABOUT ME????? I'm not going to kill Embry. Just don't let her kill me!"

Starlit threw Jen a hammer and winced at the bang it made. "You're supposed to catch it! I'll try and protect you to the best of my ability, but twin is my priority. Family you know? I'll try my best to save you!!!!" Starlit looked apologetically at Jen.

Tess stared into Starlit's eyes from afar. "Give in Starlit. The world will be your playground. You will not have to listen to ANYONE. You can kill who you want to, WHEN YOU WANT TO. Just give in Jane. You want to see blood don't you? Yes, you do. I can SEE IT IN YOUR EYES!!!!!! NOW GET ME MY KITTENS!!!!!! I WISH TO KILL THEM PAINFULLY!!!!!!"

Jen bled out a little. "Um... Starlit...I think you might've... BROKEN MY HAND WITH THE STUPID HAMMER!" She was one pissed off girl.

"Lakes of blood....The world, your playground. Blood......" Tess chanted.

"I won't give in! I am not weak!" Starlit yelled. But, then, she whispered, "Jen a little help making Jane stay in please?"

"T-T-Tess, you're scaring me...." Jen looked close to ears.

**Maria POV**

And that's where I popped in!

"Let me get this straight," I said, "We're running from Tess...in the snow...with deadly weapons?"

"Yep!" Starlit exclaimed. "Do you want a screwdriver, a saw or a hammer?"

"I'd rather steal back the lightsaber I had yesterday. Ha ha. Good times, right, Jen?" I replied.

Starlit squeaked and grabbed Darth's lightsaber out of nowhere. She threw it to me. It looked like she focused on Jane climbing into a box in her mind. I could see it, too.

I stood perfectly still, though. "I added points to Esme. I'm safe. BUT, if any Team Jacob people show up, I'm pretty much dead," I stated calmly.

Jen forgot to keep running. "Good times...Oops!" She started to run again.

"OOOOHHHHH KITTIES!!! YOU HAVE A NEW KITTY I SEE!! KITTIES! COME HERE! I WANNA SEE THE EXACT SHADE OF RED YOUR BLOOD IS! AND I WANNA SEE YOUR LIVER! Blood.....The world; your playground......Queen.........Killing........Ripping.....Tearing......Blood........." I really started to believe that Tess is masochistic.

"Tess..................YOU'RE VIOLENT!" Jen yelled.

"My dear sweet kittens....Sadly, it is 2:20am in Australia, and even psycho killers need sleep. I shall be back in seven to eight hours so this killing came continue," she smirked evilly. "Good night my kittens, I SHALL see what color your blood is, and I shall see your LUNGS!!!!!" Awk-ward!

Starlit, who was running like a madwoman, said, "Keep running, Jen! She will not get to me!"

Jen hid under a desk. "Okay, I just have to hide here for the rest of my life..."

Starlit stopped running and dropped her face to the ground. "Jfen. Shfe's Gofone." It's the safe incident all over again!

Jen crawled out from under the desk. "Yes!" And she did a happy dance. "And it's still snowing. It's pouring snow!"

"Sftop Bfoastin andf helf mef ufp pleafse. If Jufst spenft af whifle savifng youfr life." Whatever Starlit just said was probably a death threat.

Jen helped Starlit up. "Sorry. Hey, where'd Maria go? MARIA?? MARIA???"

The fact of the matter was that I was half on and half off. I was writing the very page you are reading right now. Yes, I, Maria. Then I send it to Ayana, who sends it to Jen. It's a process that works well.

Starlit dusted some fake snow off of herself. "Maybe she kept running even though Tess wasn't after her?" As you, the reader, know, I was writing this.

"Maybe," Jen said. "So…how's life?"

**Join the twilight forum, The Two Sides Of Twilight (don'tcallmeLeeLee), so that you can join all of us in our masochistic fun!**


	3. Victory!

**Ayana: I sold my sister!**

**Jen: But, now you own nothing!**

**Maria: Not even the $25! I stole it from you! And bought these chocolate bars!**

**Ayana: Poop.**

**A Series of Random Events**

**Chapter Three-Victory!**

**Maria's POV**

It was another day on TTSoT. The silence burned. Where was the ruckus?

At that moment, Starlit popped in. She surveyed the area, looking for Tess I presume. She sighed in relief. "No Tess," she smiled. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU STORY!!!!!!!!!! RUN WHILE YOU STILL HAVE LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Oh my.

Emma decided to see what everyone was up to. What a stupid mistake! "Hi everyone...Anyone online right now?"

"Me!" Story called. That was even stupider than the one above!

Starlit snarled and lunged for Story. "YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!" That is one pissed off chick. She pulled out a sword, saw, and screwdriver to attack Story. "You will not touch Embers again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Story ran around like a crazy vampire. "Ha! You can't touch me! As long as I'm around Embry will die and Esme will live!" She drew her own sword and chainsaw. We waited a bit, and she backed against a cave. She whispered, "I think Starlit forgot I was here."

Then, Hannah logged on! "Hey guys!!" She looked at Starlit and Story slashing at each other "Hey twin!"

"Starlit just ran out of here like a coward!" Story raised sword and chainsaw in triumph.

"I would fight you but I need to save my energy for the Blood Countess Tess. So.... what's happening in your life...?" As no one answered, Hannah began to sing. "All by myself! Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore!" No one responded to…that, so she changed the subject. "Anyone wanna hear the creepy nightmare I had last night?"

Stella peaked in the chat room. "I see no bloody murderers around so... Hi!" She waved. "Sure, what was that nightmare about?"

Hannah turned out the light and pointed a torch in her face.

"It was a night like any other. I was sitting on my bed with my laptop in hand (on fanfiction, of course). My mother had just left to take my brother to work. It was dark outside." She tapped the hard wooden floor, all listeners jumped. "There was a tap at my window and I could make out a shadow behind my closed blinds. I stood up from the bed hesitantly and went to the window. Should I look? I pull back the blinds and..."

"And?" Stella asked.

"And…what? I wanna know!" Ayana exclaimed.

Some other random person, EdwardIsMine-AliceIsMyBFF, asked, "AND WHAT?"While holding onto blankets.

"I want the blanket!" Ayana yelled and grabbed it.

"GIVE…ME…IT…BACK!!!" yelled the blanket's former owner. "Or, I can give you one," she smiled.

"Well," Hannah continued, "I pulled back the blinds and there is one of those weird back from the dead people, with their face right up at my window. The face is actually engraved in my mind. It was that scary. So I grabbed my mobile and called my mum and she said, 'We can't get back in time.' 'But mum it's going to come in, what should I do?' 'It is going to kill you.' And then I woke up. Needless to say, I am now scared sh*tless. I am scared quite easily. And that nightmare was so life-like; right down to me being on fanfic (I swear I saw the screen!!) Oh and I missed out a cool bit. Okay so the dream started with me on laptop, shouting bye to my brother. Then I heard a tap running so I went to the bathroom and turned it off and then I got a chill up my spine so I ran back to my bedroom to turn the light on and when I did the power cut out. So all in all, my imagination has a twisted sense of humor because I shall have to sleep with the light on for like a month now."

"You're going to die Hannah!!! I want a blanket!" Ayana called out. "OMG were number ten on the forum list!" she continued.

Hannah scanned cans over forums list and gasped.

"RUN HANNAH!!!" she told herself.

She ran to a shop.

"I'll have your finest banner!!!"

The cashier gave her a strange look.

"You are in a bakery."

"Oh."

She ran to a party shop.

"I'll have your finest banner!"

The cashier held up an 'It's a boy!' banner.

"I don't think it's that one..."

The cashier held up a blank banner.

"I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!"

She got nice colorful paint and writes in elegant script, WE'RE AT NUMBER 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She ran back to the forum.

"CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!!! COME ON!!!!! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!"

She threw out the streamers and party-poppers

"!!!!!!!!"

She rode in on an elephant that has number ten painted on it.

"!!PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told you I was going for the big shebang when we got to 10. Just wait till 1. Just you wait."

"Hehehe, Hannah you forgot something... the victory dance!" Stella announced.

"Me? Forget? Psh!" Hannah replied.

Hannah clapped her hands with smirk on face.

Fifty dancers come in doing victory dance.

She clapped her hands again.

Fireworks exploded in a ten shape

"Whoa. I have magic hands."

Hannah broke into a victory dance.

Stella joined Hannah is the victory dance-a-thon.

Hannah clapped her hands again and Leah came out with a ten-shaped cake! "Hey, Stella, blow out the candles!" Hannah exclaimed.

"I wanna piece!" Ayana plead.

"Calm yourself! We shall all eat once Stella blows out the candles!" Hannah warned, discreetly licking frosting from her lips.

Starlit then stormed in, past the celebration, right over to Story. "Oi!!!! I did not leave because I'm a coward! Jeez who do you think you're talking to? I left because I was going shopping and had to leave in a hurry before the shops closed!!!!!!!!!" She pulled out here sword then looked around and blinked. "Whoa! What are we celebrating?"

Hannah savagely shoved Ayana's face into the cake. "There's your damn cake! Where's the punch bowl?" She found it and emptied it all over Stella, Ayana, and Starlit. "FOOD FIGHT!!!" she whooped. Everyone ran away from Hannah-the Savage! However, Ayana tripped.

Starlit stopped to taste the punch and grabbed a can of whipped cream. She sprayed everyone, including the elephant.

"Nooooo I hate whipped cream!!" Hannah yelled.

She grabbed onto the elephants trunk accidently. The elephant looks maaa-aaad and starts a stampede.

"NOOOOOOO NOT THE BANNER!!!!"

Ayana shook some soda and sprayed randomly, including the elephant. It went from mad to pissed!

Hannah dived for the banner and tucked it into her coat. "Phew!"

Starlit sighed.

"Ok fine, I'll catch the elephant."

She grabbed a paper chain as reins.

"Come here!!!!"

She jumped onto elephant's back and loops the reins round its neck.

"The elephant is captured!!!!!!!"

We all heard a loud explosion.

"TWIN WHAT JUST BLEW UP?????"


End file.
